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So it's Sunday night. Which means tomorrow is Monday. And since I just declared *one* week ago that I was going to try and post on Mondays and Fridays I'd better get something together for tomorrow. I mean I have to make it longer than one week! I mentioned to Mike as he was going to bed that I can't disappoint my huge readership... I believe he snorted. In fact because of that little snort, I'm dedicating this post to my amazing husband. Lucky for him, I laughed too. We have to keep our sense of humor after all, and not taking oneself too seriously is an important part of the equation. Yes, definitely. Well, in my opinion anyways, and that's what this blog is for - my opinion, so there!
I have a lot of different thoughts, both as drafts here and in my journal. But I'm tired tonight. So I'm going to go ahead and finished a post I started a while ago about Unschooling. And actually now that I've decided to do that, I can't think of a more appropriate topic for my second "Monday Awakenings - Life is Good." (Coincidentally, did you know that one of the unschooling conferences is called Life is Good? I can't wait to go to one of those!) Finding Unschooling has definitely been the biggest awakening in my life. I can honestly say that without any hesitation. One of my thoughts when I first started reading about it was, "huh... how come *I* didn't think of this on my own??" It's so simple at it's core that it seems obvious. And I'm a *smart* person, goshdarnit! I should have been able to think of this myself - I was the Valedictorian of my high-school class for goodness sake! (Which I find more and more ironic the as I embrace a new direction that may never include school. I actually almost get an ashamed feeling inside now thinking of it - something to explore and expand more on later. Also, now that I think of it, this may highlight how school doesn't exactly engender critical or creative thinking... but I digress) For a year or more after I discovered Unscooling I was ON FIRE for it. It was like I was blind and now I could see and I really, REALLY wanted to shout it from the mountaintops (ok rooftops - but that condo we lived in was pretty tall!) I would be up well into the night reading about it. Mike would get irritated for a long time when he saw me reading, and tell me to, "Stop reading that crap!" (Hence my dedication to him today - love you honey!) Luckily, I am not that easily dissuaded. We've both come a long ways - he is super supportive of the kids and me, and I've gotten better at presenting things to him. Also I didn't start broadcasting far and wide that Unschooling was the best thing ever since sliced bread, which I am thankful for because I probably would not have been prepared for the conversations that followed. I did feel a bit guilty keeping it a secret though. I mean it's so amazing, wouldn't everyone want to know about it?? When I first came across the word "Unschooling" my curiosity was immediately piqued. I had never heard of such a thing and had no idea what it meant. Thank goodness for Google! I did a search, and much to my husband's chagrin, a new world opened to me. It was one of those things that once I knew about, I couldn't go back. My life was changed. What is Unschooling? I'm going to try and put in words what it is to me and then follow up with some links that explain in other people's words. Basically, Unschooling is a kind of homeschooling. But instead of creating a miniature school in your home, you continue your lives together with your children in the best way for your family, without considering how things are done in school at all. I suppose that is where the "un" comes from, in that, schoolish ways of thinking and doing things do not impact your own way of life (as much as that is possible). Unschooling to me means living with my family in a way that supports each person and their interests and growth. It is NOT "child-led" or "parent-led", instead it is about partnership. Other things that unschooling does NOT mean: It is not leaving the kids on their own to learn. It doesn't mean that my kids will never learn things kids in school learn. (Can you follow that one? Double-negative much! Well, you get the idea - in a more straightforward manner - My kids *will* learn many of the same things that school kids learn, they will also probably differ in a lot of areas, but really all people do, school or no school - ok ending longest run-on ever..... NOW) Here are some good links to explore if this is still to vague: Definitions of Unschooling The Unschooling Philosophy Demand Euphoria's perspective Unschooling Me - How to Unschool This is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much information out there that it really would be redundant for me to try and "define" what Unschooling is. And besides, even though I've been reading about it for 4 years now, I am really still a newbie. Technically this is our first year "unschooling" since Marisol is 5 years old. The best part of reading about experienced Unschoolers has been to define what principles are most important in guiding our family's life. Unschooling philosophy, for me, is much more than just homeschooling my kids. It is a complete way of life. I'm glad that I discovered it so early in my children's lives because although the concept behind the philosophy is simple (people, children included, are learning all the time), embracing what that can mean for your family and life takes longer. I have found that I grasped with my mind very quickly what Unschooling means. It all makes sense to me. However, the "doing" can be more difficult as you learn to let go. I like the analogy of holding onto balloons you can find in the sidebar here. An example in our life of a concept I grasped very quickly mentally, but had difficulty embracing fully in my heart, was not limiting TV. This is a "balloon" that I have repeatedly "let go" of only to grab the string as it floats away from me, bring it back towards me to hold onto, and then let go again. Lucky for my children, I have been able to keep many of my struggles (mostly) internal. I'm hopeful that this will lead to them having more clarity and less baggage (or balloons!) as they grow to adulthood. Reading about Unschooling and people who are living this kind of lifestyle has impacted our life in so many ways. Most of the concerns that people have when they first hear about Unschooling are the same and they have also been addressed repeatedly in many different forums (yahoo lists, blogs, books etc.) So instead of defining Unschooling and addressing common concerns, I plan to write about how unschooling looks in our family's life. Learning is not just about school "subjects" (and in fact many Unschoolers try not to break things down in this way, because all learning is related). Learning, and therefore Unschooling, occurs in all aspects of our lives including sleep, eating, use of media, and relationships. Watching our kids learn is one of the most amazing things in the world. This is true for all parents. What continues to astound me in our first "official" year of homeschooling, is how and what Marisol learns every day WITHOUT ME CONTROLLING IT, in any way. I feel very lucky that I started learning about Unschooling when Marisol was still a toddler because we've been able to see how she continues to learn and grow - yes with our love and support - but with absolutely no formal "teaching". I'm trying to put snippets of what the kids are up to over at Everyday Adventures which will be a great place for me to "record keep" as the kids get older. If anyone (especially friends and family) is really concerned now that I've TOTALLY lost it, please don't worry about us. One thing I'm learning more and more as a parent that nothing is ever set in stone or guaranteed. We are always willing to reevaluate, and of course, listen to our kids. We would never stop them from going to school if that is what they want. I actually loved school myself and know that for some people it is a wonderful place. For now though, we have a different vision and direction for our family. I would love to hear others' thoughts. Is anything awakened in you? Also, experienced Unschoolers, please chime in and if I am way off about anything, please correct away! Have a great week everyone! I know you will learn something new every day ;-)
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Part of my hesitation in sharing my family's choices is that I do NOT desire to hurt others in any way. Especially my closest family and friends. But because many of our choices fly right in the face on "conventional wisdom", there is often a very natural defensive response in others. This includes my own parents. My mother is one of the most supportive, loving people I know and actually was the first to suggest to me that I should think about homeschooling. My initial response when she said that was, "What?? That's crazy, we are a FAMILY of public school teachers... school was good enough for me... I believe in public education..." etc. etc. Kind of ironic and funny to look back on now. My mom and I talk EVERY day. Really, it is rare that we miss a day. She has loved and supported me, my husband, and our children through our journey that has included unconventional decisions regarding sleep, food, TV watching, going outside, having playdates and many other things. Even when she has doubts, even when she saw me exhausted and discouraged, and her grandchildren making choices she wasn't sure of, she was always a safe place for me to explore new ideas, express myself, and talk through challenges. Even though she was the one to initially to voice the idea of homeschooling, when I began to explore the idea of Unschooling, it was new to her. My dad definitely does not agree with me on all parenting issues (discipline and homeschooling come to mind) but he continues to love and support us fiercely. I know that it can be difficult for them sometimes to see choices we are making and not feel like it is a direct judgement of choices they made for my sister and I as they parented us.
This is true for anyone facing a new idea or way of doing things. BUT we also have choices about how we react. Will we take a new idea as an attack on ourselves? Will we dismiss the new idea without really exloring it? Or can we look at the idea, really look, without taking offense and fighting back. Then after examination we are free to choose - choose what makes sense or might work for us. Free to strengthen our own convictions or do more research. Free to ask questions or share our own experiences from a place of love. It's not easy. I know because *I* am defensive and feel the need to defend *my* choices. So I'm trying to move beyond that and hope to have people join me in walking on that journey. I get daily inspiration here. This particular post explains a little why things have become simpler and easier for me. I have found "how I want to be" - the big ideas or principles that I hope guide my family daily are Peace and Learning. In my opinion these are best attained through partnership. So that is my starting point. Not every person's or family's starting point will be the same as mine/ours. But I hope that by sharing a different perspective more people can begin to clarify for themselves what is truly important in their lives. That is my intention - to share - not judge, to inspire - not disparage. Hopefully I will be successful at least some of the time and get better at it too! From Merriam Webster
Alternative: 2 : offering or expressing a choice <several alternative plans> 3: different from the usual or conventional: as a: existing or functioning outside the established cultural, social, or economic system <an alternative newspaper> <alternative lifestyles> Peaceful parenting, unconditional parenting, attachment parenting, consensual living, connection parenting are all descriptors or labels for similar ways of being with our children. I posted a link on my Facebook page this week about why "Time Outs" may not be the best way to deal with undesirable behaviors. Here are more of my thoughts on parenting without ANY punishments (time outs, loss of privileges, sent to room, groundings etc.) I labeled this post "alternative parenting" because parenting without punishments is definitely not the norm in our culture right now. But I was also struck by the idea that the first meaning of "alternative" really has to do with having a choice. I believe that this is a huge stumbling block for many parents who may want to parent differently but aren't sure *how*. In essence, it isn't clear *what* the choice is - *how* do we parent without punishment, *what* do we *do* instead? There are whole books on this topic (see Alfie Kohn in my inspiration tab) and many ideas out there easily found in the "blogosphere" for anyone willing to take the time to look. But I am going to take a stab at putting some of my thoughts and experiences into words. First of all if you are looking for a "quick fix" then you are not going to have an easy time with this. I've only been a parent for 5 years but in that short time I've learned from my daughter that time is the ultimate "fixer". Many of the issues we have (or think we have) with our children will really resolve themselves as our children grow and change. When you are in the midst of a challenging time it can be difficult to remember, but often the quirk, habit, or difficult phase will resolve or disappear without you even noticing! But what about behaviors that are truly unacceptable? The answer will depend on lots of variables, including the age of the child, where you are, if anyone's safety is involved etc. Besides just waiting for your child to mature, modeling and talking with your child about what is acceptable, appropriate, kind, unkind, unacceptable etc. are important ways to guide your child. For younger children less words are usually more effective and appropriate. I myself am a "talker" and have found how powerful short statements or not saying ANYTHING can be. But really modeling and BEING the people that we want to be is the most powerful way to show our kids what we value. Ironically, the more I value peaceful ways the more I feel the violence inside of myself. I find my temper flaring and really, I understand wanting to... PUNISH, to... YELL, to... just VENT! But I realized that if I cannot be peaceful and loving when I find my child challenging, then I really am not valuing peace at all. What good is it to say, "I am peaceful, kind, loving... when you are 'good' or when you behave the way *I* want you to?" That is the same as being a fair-weather friend, the ultimate hypocrisy. When we are not seeing eye-to-eye with someone (whether our child or not), that is the most important time to find compassion within ourselves. So I am finding ways and tools to be the person *I* want to be... with my kids. I think that maybe I am on a tangent here. It's not crystal clear, but it's a start. I can tell you that we are parenting without punishing. Rewards? Well, we do sometimes sweeten the deal if we want our kids to do something with us, but really Marisol has never been one to be easily bribed - she's been above that since she was a baby. Yes, she wanted the sweet, the treat, whatever it was, but on her own terms, not ours. She has been my "teacher" from the start. Please feel free to leave your thoughts or questions. I welcome more opportunities to clarify in my own mind this "alternative" approach to parenting. I believe it's important that we feel like we are *choosing* the best path for our families not just doing things because everyone else is or because there is no other way. Here are some links to articles/blogs that may be a jumping off point for people looking for ideas on how to parent more peacefully. Most of these I posted on my facebook page(s) in the last 6 months. This is just a sampling of the great writing out there - all of these blogs have many more links that you can follow once you are at their site. I love reading writings of people who express their ideas so clearly. I'm not quite there as far expressing myself as eloquently as these amazing people, but I feel a deep conviction inside of the ideas expressed. Enjoy!
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/punishment.html http://theorganicsister.com/thriving-not-just-surviving-childhood/ http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/ten-steps-to-kinder-gentler-parenting.html http://www.positive-parents.org/2011/07/10-things-that-are-more-important-than.html http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/you-made-difference-for-that-one.html http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/use-positive-discipline http://lisarussell.org/blog/stop-being-consistent/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+MrsHannigan+%28Mrs.+Hannigan%29 http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/04/gentle-discipline-so-what-do-you-do/ https://consensualliving.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/assuming-positive-intent/ http://www.healyourlife.com/author-michael-j-chase/2011/04/wisdom/personal-growth/am-i-being-kind?cache=1 http://kelly.hogaboom.org/?p=9481 http://kelly.hogaboom.org/?p=10634 |
Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
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